Pink Elephants in the brain: Change is hard, guys.

My life is a flurry of animated drunk montages. All pink elephants and swirly colors and giant, laughing faces. I’m not constantly inebriated, but I may as well be. Because life altering decisions, like purchasing an expensive vitamin regime on Amazon after too much pinot noir, are governed by regret, shame, and confusion. I wake […]

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RESPAWN: Starting over at 38

Urban Rogue and the case of the slightly early midlife crisis! My colorful soul-searching had some boulder issues, like Wile E. Coyote , and fell head first into a fathoms deep misery well several months ago. A bullshit well full of hobo piss and orc vomit. Sure, I tried to climb out a couple of times, […]

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Hank & Greta: A Cautionary Tale

*Hey guys! I’ve been giving myself different, fun writing exercises to distract myself from the world and discovered an unhealthy interest in butchering fairy tales! Enjoy!!* Greta: Well, she came highly recommended on Airbnb, but I’m starting to think all those reviews were made up. I mean, ALL of them mentioned candy and I thought […]

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Bunker Down: How to Survive a Nuclear Holocaust

The shit beacons have been lit, kids! President Orange Colostomy Bag has pissed off our allies (YOU LEAVE MEXICO ALONE YOU FUCK), picked fights with nuclear capable superpowers, diarrhea-ed all over the constitution, AND has a bona-fide Nazi whispering sweet who’s-such-a-good-boys in his ear. All in under two weeks! Inspired by the sudden, very real […]

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America was already great. Now its orange.

Day 1 I honestly, without any exaggeration, thought I would awake to life in the Citadel, as Immortan Joe had been elected President of these United States. Gas Town? Bullet farm? TOTALLY REAL. Then I cried. ALL DAY. Loud sobs on the bus (again). Quiet tears at work. I cried for my friends. My brothers. […]

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7 steps: The morning ritual

Maybe today will be the day the troll makes itself known. I’ve been convinced for years that an evil Troll (of the under-bridge variety) is lying in wait in some hidden corner near the employee entrance, eager for the day it grants secure passage by asking obscure questions re: the second Barbary War. A large […]

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