I just want to be calm.

I just want to be calm. Everything is terrible. Have a fruit head kitty. I’m trying to stay calm. I’m listening to Marconi Union while drinking a glass of pinot grigio. I strapped our fancy Brookstone massage thingy to my desk chair to ease my back pain while simultaneously making it really hard to type (shakey shakey […]

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Hank & Greta: A Cautionary Tale

*Hey guys! I’ve been giving myself different, fun writing exercises to distract myself from the world and discovered an unhealthy interest in butchering fairy tales! Enjoy!!* Greta: Well, she came highly recommended on Airbnb, but I’m starting to think all those reviews were made up. I mean, ALL of them mentioned candy and I thought […]

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Bunker Down: How to Survive a Nuclear Holocaust

The shit beacons have been lit, kids! President Orange Colostomy Bag has pissed off our allies (YOU LEAVE MEXICO ALONE YOU FUCK), picked fights with nuclear capable superpowers, diarrhea-ed all over the constitution, AND has a bona-fide Nazi whispering sweet who’s-such-a-good-boys in his ear. All in under two weeks! Inspired by the sudden, very real […]

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America was already great. Now its orange.

Day 1 I honestly, without any exaggeration, thought I would awake to life in the Citadel, as Immortan Joe had been elected President of these United States. Gas Town? Bullet farm? TOTALLY REAL. Then I cried. ALL DAY. Loud sobs on the bus (again). Quiet tears at work. I cried for my friends. My brothers. […]

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7 steps: The morning ritual

Maybe today will be the day the troll makes itself known. I’ve been convinced for years that an evil Troll (of the under-bridge variety) is lying in wait in some hidden corner near the employee entrance, eager for the day it grants secure passage by asking obscure questions re: the second Barbary War. A large […]

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Abby Normal: Put the childhood candle back.

Being a High School band dork in Southern California came with the bonus of being able to participate in Disney Magic Music Days when the opportunity arose. This, was amazing. We got to learn about the music production process for scoring animation and mill around in restricted areas. Pulling back the Disney veil and seeing […]

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We’re in the shit, so let’s shovel it: Telling our story in America.

America celebrated yet ANOTHER 39th birthday last week (seriously. who does she think she’s kidding). I observed the holiday with a house full of overheated punks, ‘murican beer, Irish whiskey, and enough food to feed the troops at Valley Forge. Oh, and fireworks. Honestly, New Orleans abuses its fireworks privileges (EVERYTHING gets fireworks. Private party, […]

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